Friday, June 29, 2012

Sounds of Silence

Some weeks ago we went to an audio store. For all practical purposes the trip was uneventful. The store did not have anything different from the last time we were there. The same plastic sleeves covered the same albums. The same “Blown Away” art print was hanging on the same wall. The same featured system was playing the same Sarah Vaughan selections.

Furthermore, the same nonchalance permeated this visit just as it has with our previous visits. What I mean by this is the attitude of the apparent owner was, shall we say, aloof. Some might even say he was unapproachable. Others could argue he lacked a certain je ne sais quoi that is requisite for individuals in the sales industry.

Situations like this always make me feel a little bit naughty, and I considered doing something to stir things up, like making that noise the Turtleman makes on the Discovery Channel or doing a headstand in the apex of the sweet spot to see if the music sounded better upside down. Instead, I thwacked around as quietly as possible in my flip flips so as not to disturb the proprietor while I did my private research, which I have now… officially… published.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Quarrymen

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and although most of the time The Audiophile is not, by definition, my father, I wanted to do something special for him. I was thinking more along the lines of an SACD than, say, a pair of Organic Harmony speakers cast in bronze, but I was open to ideas.

The Audiophile must have smelled my agreeable state of mind because shortly thereafter he suggested we travel 242 miles in a southeasterly direction to see a pair of speakers that he was thinking about wanting. I quickly offered my enthusiastic participation in the trip as a perfect way to celebrate his paternal excellence and my top-drawer accommodation.

Interestingly, the speakers in question were made out of rocks. I think there was other apperati inside of the rocks, but I lost partial consciousness during that part of the conversation and found myself more comfortably numb than coherent.

In the end, The Audiophile decided to pass on the speakers. I can’t remember what his A/B reasoning was exactly, but I do know our insurance company can rest easy knowing they will not need to pony up on the accidental death and dismemberment portion of our policy that surely covers being crushed by runaway granite tumbling down a flight of stairs leading to a listening room.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Head Games

In keeping with my heartfelt desire to enhance the listening experience for audio wives, I have crafted a listening game. The game is only played by the wife, not the audiophile, and the idea is to play the game without the audiophile knowing what you are up to.

The rules are simple: 1) You accept an invitation to join your particular audiophile in your particular listening room; 2) You pretend to listen to the music; 3) You think of a string of adjectives to describe the sound by using the letters in your first name.

For example, if your name is Wendy, and I hope is, then you might say something like, “Gosh, dear, the music seemed so Warm and Effortless; there was a Natural Dimension that Yearned for an audience.” I know “yearned” is not technically an adjective, but it is close enough.

Ease into full play like a cat rather than a dog. For example, your first comment might be, “Gosh, dear, that sounded swell.” On a subsequent occasion you could try, “Gosh, dear, the music sounded obsequious, purple, and clairvoyant.” Continue the feline progression until you can successfully execute your name in adjectives without being discovered.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Comedy Relief

Now that I’ve been writing this column for a while, The Audiophile has taken to suggesting when he believes he is performing some waggish act that is blog-worthy. It usually goes something like, “Honeeey, I’m down here in The Listening Roooooom, and you might want to see what I’m dooooing because it is pretty fuuuunny.”

Since I do not want to stifle his leading role in this production, I usually go to The Listening Room to see what he is up to. The thing is, his idea of amusing and my idea of amusing are not always one and the same. Anything to do with bodily functions is more apt to be amusing in his thought bubble. Anything to do with anything else is more apt to be amusing in mine. I try to be gender neutral with my pejorative remarks, but this is difficult given that clever interpretations of the Pull My Finger game have, in my experience, always been initiated by boys and men.

I cannot, for any amount of potpourri, remember what it was that The Audiophile wanted to show me, but what I do remember is his crouched position exposed enough personal real estate to provide even me with a good laugh. So, The Audiophile was right. He was doing something pretty funny, and I’ll be darned if it didn’t end up being blog-worthy.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Standing Corrected

In what has become a weekly ritual, I turned to The Audiophile last Friday evening and said, "Did you read my blog?" He glanced at me over the top of his electronic reading device and replied, "Yes. None were original."

Really? None? Not a single elegantly crafted box that was broken down and properly disposed of last week was original? My mistake. To correct the record, I must now humbly inform the worldwide, pants-wearing, audiophile community that the boxes heretofore mentioned were UNoriginal. They lacked spontaneity, creativity, and the ability to sustain their end of a witty conversation.

In Darwinian terms, the unoriginal boxes were not fit to survive even though they seemed perfectly capable of reproduction if you ask me. Instead, they are on their way to being pulped into commonplace toilet paper tubes or garden-variety biodegradable flower pots neither of which are nearly as impressive as serving at the pleasure of The Audiophile.

Meanwhile, the original boxes are enjoying the club-elite status of the storage room where they no longer need to explain their jokes, endure hackneyed requests for "Freebird," or reiterate for the billionth time why there are no Bose components in The Listening Room.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.