Friday, November 30, 2012

Light My Fire

Recently there was a conundrum regarding The Audiophile's priorities. It seems there was a filet of salmon that needed to be grilled at 5:45 on a Tuesday, and there was a "five-minute" phone call to another audiophile that also needed to be made at 5:45 on the very same Tuesday. Usually this sort of mathematical story problem doesn't rear its ugly head in real life, but the already steaming kettle of broccoli was driving the train that day.

Now, I'm not looking for a show of hands, but I am suggesting that 99.7% of audiophile wives would know that salmon grilling should supersede audiophile phone calling when broccoli is part of the equation. Why? Because the odds of a "five-minute" audiophile-to-audiophile phone call are as statistically improbable as listening to "just one song."

Fortunately, even though I am not a man, I possessed sufficient testosterone to open the lid of the grill, place the salmon on the grill, and close the lid of the grill. The heart-healthy meal pulled into the station at precisely 6:00, which coincided perfectly with the culmination of The Audiophile's (5 x 3 = 15 minute) phone call.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Songs From The Big Chair

When The Audiophile wants me to come to The Listening Room for a demo, he plays my special song. This song is by Alison Krauss, and I call it "The Bird Song" even though I doubt that is the song's God-given title.

A couple of weeks back, I heard The Bird Song wafting upstairs, and I scampered to see what needed my immediate attention. Even with my limited abilities, I could see The Audiophile had moved The Listening Chair much closer to the harem. He gestured for me to have a seat.

After the bird had flown, I sat up as straight as possible in the man-sized chair and said, "Well, everything sounded much bigger, less restrained, and more like a live concert."

The Audiophile beamed, and he may have wet himself a little. All I know is he replied, "YES, YES, YES, that is what we call 'near-field listening,' and you have a good ear." At the time, I didn't know what to say, but in hindsight what I should have said is...

And that, my dear, is audio winning.

Friday, November 16, 2012

Money For Nothing

The Audiophile and I were in the garage recently where we conscientiously deposit our shoes before entering the house. As I removed my beloved Dansko's that were purchased in 2007, I pointed to the heel of the right shoe for him to inspect where it had given way to the underbelly. He briefly glanced at the shoe, turned to me with a baffled look, and said, "It doesn't look worn out to me."

With this statement, The Audiophile clarified his decision-making processes. If the item under consideration is an amp, pre-amp, power conditioner, pair of speakers, capacitor, cable, or any other item remotely related to any of the aforementioned items, then "wear and tear" is not used in the evaluation criteria when purchasing a new one.

To my credit I did not punch The Audiophile in the gullet or call him a nincompoop. Instead, I followed his example of conspicuous consumption and ordered myself a new pair of Dansko's in Arabesque leather. When these shoes arrive I expect they will make me taller, happier and, if I'm not mistaken, much more transparent.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Sweet Caroline

The Audiophile was in one, or maybe both, of the Carolinas last week on business. At one point he had a couple of free hours, which he conveniently put to use by visiting a fellow audiophile.

This never turns out well from my vantage point, because he tends to come home drooling and googly-eyed, and that just isn't attractive or hygienic. It seems this audio friend had engineered the walls of his listening room with some sort of noise-absorbing railway system that isolates the... yeah, I don't know what it does. What I do know is upon his return The Audiophile, when describing this masterpiece, said, "When I opened my mouth, I could perfectly hear the sound of my own saliva."

Glory, I had no idea this was desirable. However, it gives me the touchstone upon which to gauge my life experiences. Sure, being selected employee of the month was gratifying, and training up children in the way they should go is excellent and praiseworthy, but nothing compares to the magnum opus of my own saliva.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, November 2, 2012

Hail to the Chief

The Audiophile and I saddled up the SUV last weekend for a trip through two Midwestern states that are primarily known for their trance-inducing stretches of the Eisenhower Interstate System. One might think there would be little chance of locating a high-fidelity stereo establishment in the middle of the Mormon trail, and yet someone, probably Mitt Romney, put one in Omaha, Nebraska.

And speaking of the upcoming U.S. election, I would like to remind the discriminating audiophile that a vote for the incumbent is a vote for the governmental redistribution of the finest audio gear in the nation in order to provide every American family with a Bose Wave radio.

On the other hand, a vote for Mr. Romney is a vote to keep your superior-sounding system that falls in the top 1% of all systems in the country and to have an economic shot at the thirty-thousand-dollar-American-dream speakers we demoed in Omaha.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.