Friday, October 22, 2021


A postcard arrived in the mail this week with an enticing offer to re-subscribe to the magazine I lovingly call “The Sound Pile.” The Audiophile had let his subscription lapse years ago over something egregious like a biased <gasp> review of a power cord or one of their advertisers dropping the scantily clad model straddling a subwoofer in exchange for a middle-aged woman wearing her undergarments under her garments.

Anyway, I was still at the mailbox, holding said postcard, and I had a choice: use my middle and index fingers to dramatically fling it into the recycling bin or…

…surprise The Audiophile with a renewed subscription. I decided the postcard needed the attention of my bifocals, at minimum, so I brought it inside and read this, “The entire cost of this subscription may be tax deductible if used for professional purposes.”

I’m no professional, but my purpose for the next two to four weeks is to patiently wait for The Audiophile to return from the mailbox, Sound Pile in hand, just so I can see if he immediately flips to the advertising section or “reads the articles.”


Friday, October 8, 2021

Mr. Sandman

A few nights back, at about 2:00 a.m., I awoke with an epiphany. Prepare yourself by sitting down if you have any underlying health conditions because this is big. Here it is:

The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star are the same tune—EXACTLY THE SAME TUNE.

Naturally, I was awake for several hours attempting to confirm this truth in my mind without humming or moving or otherwise disturbing the acoustics of The Audiophile’s REM cycle. The following morning, I shared this nocturnal stroke of genius with him expecting a nod of admiration or maybe applause, but The Audiophile did not seem impressed in the least.

So, I decided to outsource my need for verbal confetti and walked a few doors down where a more appreciative neighbor was awaiting someone of my caliber to engage in convivial conversation. Neighbor guy was delighted, if I must say, to be invited to sing the Alphabet Song while I sang Twinkle. Our duet culminated with both songs’ final syllables synchronized as perfectly as you are imagining. Astonishing, right?

Wrong. Just now, I went to the Googles and learned someone else owns the copyright on my epiphany, and I am not a super genius. Yet.