Friday, December 31, 2021

Trip Around the Sun

This week, The Audiophile’s personal odometer clicked over to a new decade of life. Apparently, this was his “diamond jubilee” birthday, which sounds a lot snazzier than the “get off my lawn” birthday or the “don’t touch the driver” birthday. Since there aren’t many songs about diamonds being a boy’s best friend, I decided to give him a road trip jubilee.

This trip was supposed to include live music—the symphony, a concert, a female solo artist performing safely behind her microphone, a dude with a five-string guitar—anything, really. Sadly, all the live musicians in the kingdom of everywhere take the week after Christmas off, and all the dead musicians are content to live off their royalties.

The closest we came to a performance was a DIY guy who had cleverly mounted a boom box to the back of his bike. He seemed to have a preference for bass-heavy beats, and there was more than a fair amount of distortion in his woofer, but at least it did not require shelling out seven figures or kidnapping a female vocalist.


Friday, December 24, 2021

Hallelujah Chorus

Dear audiophile, 

Did you remember to book an overweight, middle-aged white guy dressed in fake fur to jam himself down your chimney with an item for your wife that is not 13”x18”x6”? Of course you did. You are a renaissance man, a man with exceptional EQ, a man who appreciates a nice warm bed over the sofa—unless the sofa happens to be in a ménage à trois with a pair of high efficiency you-know-whats.

This, I understand, is presumptuous. Maybe your wife likes rectangular items. Maybe SHE is the initiator? You’ll know this if she has ever said something like, “Hey, babe, why don’t we just get that darTZeel amp for each other and call it a holiday?”

That is not exactly what I said to The Audiophile, but I must have made some vague affirmative gesture, or the Fyne Young Cannibals never would have shown up just in time to celebrate the birth of Jesus. And, now that I think about it, there are quite a few biblical references to the importance of listening, which implies the Lord God Almighty is an audiophile. Wait, that would make HIM The Audiophile. Sorry, babe.


Friday, December 17, 2021

He Drives Me Crazy

The new speakers arrived, and holy exclamation point, Batman, they are huge. There’s no need for a play-by-play on the unveiling just suffice it to say no wives were harmed in the process because they did not touch the drivers or breathe on them or even make direct eye contact with them.

The Audiophile stood back and boldly declared, “These speakers are going to eat the Dollies as an appetizer.” That provides you with a clue regarding his sensitivity score on a scale of zero to ten, and it also provides the context for my naming them the Fyne Young Cannibals.

If you are wondering just how huge these speakers are, I can tell you, according to my calculations, the sweet spot is somewhere near Fayetteville. Perhaps there is an audiophile in northwestern Arkansas who can swivel his Listening Chair in an easterly direction to confirm this truth—assuming he is willing to wait the requisite 800 hours for the FYCs to burn in, digest their finger food, belch loudly, and be ready for the main course.


Friday, December 10, 2021

Funeral for a Friend

If you don’t mind, let’s all partake in a moment of silence to honor the departure of my dearly beloved speakers. Their finish was Ruby Macassar. They complemented the aesthetics and scale of my living room. I loved them. They loved me.

Now for a little Q&A:

Where did the Dollies go? This and more, I do not know, but I am reasonably certain the new owner will not coo over them and whisper sweet nothings into their drivers like I have for the past number of years. And, for those of you keeping score at home, this is the second time I have HAD but failed to KEEP a pair of Dollies.

What is the name of the replacement speakers? No idea, but for now I am calling them the You Are Dead to Me speakers.

Will I forgive The Audiophile? Probably, because if I were a superhero my powers would be patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control even though none of those superpowers come with a cape.

Final words of wisdom: Do not fall in love with audio equipment if you also plan to fall in love with an audiophile.


Friday, December 3, 2021

Head Over Feet

Last week The Audiophile and I were having a lovely time sitting on the sofa, listening to music, in the dark, like mostly normal people. He leaned into me and whispered, “Did you notice what’s different?” I leaned into him and whispered, “You toed in the speakers a little.” He nodded. I smiled.

After a couple of songs, I quietly stood up to retrieve a little more vino for my glasso and WHAM, exiting stage right was no longer viable in the dark without sacrificing a toe on the side table.

It would seem in addition to toe-ing in the speakers a hair, The Audiophile also moved the sofa over by quite a few hairs making stage right an undesirable route to refill anything except one’s account at the Bank of Profanity.

Since that time, I have regularly wagged my toe of many colors in the direction of The Audiophile thinking he might want to pamper me with tender loving care, but he seems to have directed his attention to the more important matter of putting the sofa back where it was prior to toemageddon even though it probably compromises the sweet spot. A hair.