Friday, May 25, 2018

Big Wheels

When The Audiophile isn't philing the audio, he philes the road bike. Is this a hobby we share? No. My bike has a basket on the handlebars and a bell that I'm not afraid to use.

Last week he floated the notion that some cyclists shave their legs. I didn't hear why this is, because my mind immediately began to imagine him in a nice bubbly bath poised for action with his Gillette Mach 3, and I missed the rationale.

This got me to thinking about whether shavings one's legs would make a difference in the acoustics of the room. After a quick perusal of the www, I found nothing on the subject except an article clarifying cyclists shave their legs for a variety of pathetic reasons including that it makes them "feel faster."

In summary, cyclists are apparently of the same wingding caliber as audiophiles, and I would like to encourage all audiophiles to shave their legs so they can take to the forums and debate whether it makes their reference track of choice "sound better."


Friday, May 18, 2018

Mercy Mercy Me

The Audiophile was recently left alone without proper supervision while I ran a couple of errands. When I returned, just 90 minutes later, this is what I found.

I think I speak for all the DIY wives out there, when I ask the following single-syllable question:


Furthermore, and I hate to be a stickler here, but there is no way The Audiophile could have used the tiny cotton Dollie diaper to single-handedly hoist the speaker off the spikey things, flip it upside down, and rip it apart.

Did he strip down to his cotton undershirt and underpants and don a pair of oven mitts so as not to scuff the lacquer? I do not know. He was fully clothed when I walked through the door, and the oven mitts were nowhere to be seen, but an alibi that does not make.

I'm a little vague about what The Audiophile's objective is with this Six-Million-Dollar-Man project, but if next week's post is titled "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," you'll know something went south, and you can probably pick up a pair of scratch-and-dent Epicons at a greatly reduced price on Audiothong.


Friday, May 11, 2018

Kung Fu Fighting

Last weekend The Audiophile and I were enjoying an evening stroll in our quaint, historic downtown. He was wearing a t-shirt that has AUDIOPHILE written across the front. I bought the shirt for him to use as bait to attract audio friends in the area.

A guy with a baby on his hip looked him up and down and said, "What's your definition of an audiophile?"

That seemed like a challenge likely to deteriorate into a street fight, so I focused on smiling at the baby so she would feel comfortable being held by me while the two men circled each other in the parking lot until one of them landed a twisting moonsault and was declared the winner.

Instead we learned the baby's daddy was "in the business," and all that went down was a simple exchange of contact information with a promise to stay in touch. Not nearly as exciting as the twisting moonsault, but apparently the magical bait shirt works.


Friday, May 4, 2018

Crash Into Me

You may have noticed some speaker companies include a small hermetically-sealed diaper to use when touching their products so grubby human hands don't mar the finely-crafted mirror finishes. At first, this seemed like a great idea. I may have even cooed a little when I saw the diaper lovingly tucked alongside the instruction manual.

That all changed when The Audiophile asked me to help him install the spikey things that screw into the bottom of the speakers. I, of course, was tasked with using the tiny diaper to carefully lean the speaker sideways while he scrutinized the situation with the undercarriage.

While physics wasn't my best subject back in the day, I can tell you that leaning a fifty-pound object at a 45-degree angle while holding it with a slippery little piece of cotton is exactly what Albert Einstein had in mind when he conjured up that bit about gravity and its effects.

Fortunately, nothing went wrong, or you would have heard our collective screams no matter what zip code you call your own. I would, however, like to encourage speaker manufacturers to swap out the diapers for something that would make the handling of fine musical furniture less of a dalliance with the scientific laws of nature.