Friday, February 24, 2012

Big Babies

A while back The Audiophile and I were enjoying a weekend trip to a heavily-populated city which, if I'm lucky, guarantees a visit to the local stereo shop. Par norm, I was wandering aimlessly about the store thinking about how high one could stack boxes of components before they would crash to the ground in a suicidal melee, when I overhead The Audiophile and the proprietor having an animated conversation.

The discussion centered around drivers and whether they could handle the load. Now, correct me if I'm wrong here, but with all the fuss about NOT TOUCHING the drivers, I'm thinking these namby pamby babies won't be able to handle ANY load because they ARE a load.

Of course, I did not shot-put my opinion into the conversation since it would have betrayed my appearance of chocolate-covered patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Instead I wandered off to one of the listening rooms to see if I could hold Tree Pose until the conversation ended.

In the end, my yoga practice was cut short because The Audiophile wanted my professional opinion on the wife acceptance factor of a pair of speakers that were, in my estimation, absolutely gorgeous. I do not know if there is any fame or fortune to be made in offering my seal of approval, but I should probably have some stickers made up just in case.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Pete and Repeat

Sometimes when The Audiophile is testing something, like my capacity for patient understanding, he will play the same song over and over, and then over and over and over. This always makes me think about Jack Nicholson in The Shining when his wide-eyed wife discovers he has used an entire ream of paper to repeatedly type, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Stephen King, from my minimal understanding of his work, is a master at taking something seemingly innocuous and turning it into a terrifying best seller. I'm thinking about feeding him some material to see if he might like to capitalize on the nocturnal habits of The Audiophile all bleary-eyed and delirious over the psychotic quest to eliminate sibilance from the who-knows-what.

I can't help but wonder if I'll go to The Listening Room someday and find The Audiophile loonier than a tune over the sheer repetition of Holly Cole eloquently singing "Everyday Will Be Like a Holiday." The thought of it might tempt some audio wives into carrying a baseball bat as a precautionary measure, but I take comfort in falsely believing I could navigate my carcass up the stairs just a little faster than The Audiophile if it came down to the survival of the fittest.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Strictly Business

The Audiophile has recently become distressed about one of the websites he uses to transact audio business. It seems the website mafia bosses have made some changes that have been unpopular with “the family.”

My helpful suggestion was, “Well, stop using the site.” This, however, was met with some non-verbal contortions, so I am going to assume this is not a viable option because it would endanger the well-being of our children and our imaginary horses.

From what I understand, the site bosses may have felt that the audiophiles were using clever methods of communication to weasel out of paying the usurious transaction fees. In turn, they used their bossing powers to close the loopholes and clamp down on the hand signals. 

In my opinion, instead of administering a fee on the transactions, the site bosses would be better off charging a penny per minute based on the amount of time each audiophile spends on their site. Not only would this generate a usage-based stream of honorable income, it would also provide accurate data that could, hypothetically, be used to assemble a pie chart showing exactly what percentage of the audiophile's life is being devoted to the various discussion boards.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, February 3, 2012

The Art of Listening

Part of my goal in writing this blog is to pass along helpful information to other audio wives even if my expertise is nonexistent and controversial. As discussed previously, being invited to The Listening Room for a round of "How Does It Sound" can be intimidating. Here is a list of etiquette tips I've gathered from questions submitted by fictional readers, like you, to help navigate the experience with eloquence and grace:

  • Can I lie down on The Listening Sofa?  No.
  • Can I select the music?  Not if you're me.
  • Can I text a friend?  No.
  • Can I sing along?  Only if you are naked or Diana Krall.
  • Can I clap between songs?  You're kidding, right?
  • Can I ask non-audio questions? No.
  • Can I bring a beverage?  Only if it is a quiet beverage.
  • Can I bring a salty-crunchy snack?  Good golly, no.

To ensure the listening experience is successful, ask the following question when the audiophile has paused the music and appears relaxed and comfortable:  How would you describe the sound stage today, dear? 

You do not have to understand the response, but it is advisable to thoughtfully nod your head as if you do. Additionally, this is an appropriate time to take a few sips of your quiet beverage without blurring the detail of the music or causing an apocalyptic event.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.