Friday, June 15, 2018

So Quiet in Here

First things first: The Audiophile's stereo is still broken.

Second things second: The Turcom TS-450 ain't cuttin' it.

I believe the requisite part to fix the broken stereo is on its way from somewhere, maybe Denmark. I'm told it will cost less than a tonsillectomy. I assume it will arrive in the near future and hopefully before a certain someone develops Tourette syndrome or something far worse.

Now that I think about it, that certain someone has been remarkably calm about the situation. So calm, in fact, that I should probably look around the house to see if he has filled an entire ream of paper with "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy."

Perhaps by next week, I'll be able to write a love story about the joyful reunion between a man and his music. If not that, I'll likely have some material for Stephen King to work into his next psychological audio thriller should he care to reach out to me for my subject matter expertise.


Friday, June 8, 2018

Fade to Black

Yesterday I was wondering if there was anything worth reporting as it relates to The Audiophile and his heroics when I honest-to-goodness heard him say this:

I. Broke. My. Stereo.

He may have included some other choice statements with the above, but I've taken the liberty of editing out the nonessential interjections.

You know how you can be driving down a backroad just after the sun has gently set on the horizon, and everything is swell? Swell, that is, until you see a deer in your headlights? In case you've always wondered, I now know precisely what that deer is thinking:

What thaaa? What do I do next? Should I move to the side of the road? Get the license plate number on that rapidly-approaching SUV? Pretend I'm invisible? Yeah, that's what I'll do, I'll pretend I'm invisible.

Bad strategy, deer, what you want to do hightail your carcass over to a coffee shop for a while until the rapidly-approaching SUV runs out of gas and lets you and your chicken friend cross the road without insult or injury.

The wound on The Audiophile's situation is still raw, so I have not asked for details, but I can report that we will be using the handy Turcom TS-450 mentioned in last week's post as our primary system for a while.


Friday, June 1, 2018

Days Like This

Over the glorious three-day weekend, The Audiophile and I were sitting outside enjoying nature's musical offerings with a glass of crispy white wine when I had an idea. Somewhere, in the back of a drawer, I remembered seeing a small amplification device that would allow us to sling the music from our phones through the magic of bluetooth for our personal listening pleasure in the great outdoors.

I asked The Audiophile if he could stream Tidal on his phone. You would have thought I had suggested we carve out our superfluous organs with a soup spoon and list them on eBay by the look on his face, but he cautiously gave me a slow, affirmative nod.

Fifteen minutes later, Van Morrison was chirping along with the birds and the bees through the mighty impressive 5 watt, 45 mm driver.

Yes, I violated every audiophile law in the handbook with this low-budget maneuver, but I felt like a super genius. Furthermore, The Audiophile, although he will never admit it, thoroughly enjoyed letting his soul and spirit fly into the mystic as evidenced by his traitorous bobbing head and tapping toe.


Friday, May 25, 2018

Big Wheels

When The Audiophile isn't philing the audio, he philes the road bike. Is this a hobby we share? No. My bike has a basket on the handlebars and a bell that I'm not afraid to use.

Last week he floated the notion that some cyclists shave their legs. I didn't hear why this is, because my mind immediately began to imagine him in a nice bubbly bath poised for action with his Gillette Mach 3, and I missed the rationale.

This got me to thinking about whether shavings one's legs would make a difference in the acoustics of the room. After a quick perusal of the www, I found nothing on the subject except an article clarifying cyclists shave their legs for a variety of pathetic reasons including that it makes them "feel faster."

In summary, cyclists are apparently of the same wingding caliber as audiophiles, and I would like to encourage all audiophiles to shave their legs so they can take to the forums and debate whether it makes their reference track of choice "sound better."


Friday, May 18, 2018

Mercy Mercy Me

The Audiophile was recently left alone without proper supervision while I ran a couple of errands. When I returned, just 90 minutes later, this is what I found.

I think I speak for all the DIY wives out there, when I ask the following single-syllable question:


Furthermore, and I hate to be a stickler here, but there is no way The Audiophile could have used the tiny cotton Dali diaper to single-handedly hoist the speaker off the spikey things, flip it upside down, and rip it apart.

Did he strip down to his cotton undershirt and underpants and don a pair of oven mitts so as not to scuff the lacquer? I do not know. He was fully clothed when I walked through the door, and the oven mitts were nowhere to be seen, but an alibi that does not make.

I'm a little vague about what The Audiophile's objective is with this Six-Million-Dollar-Man project, but if next week's post is titled "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," you'll know something went south, and you can probably pick up a pair of scratch-and-dent Epicons at a greatly reduced price on Audiothong.


Friday, May 11, 2018

Kung Fu Fighting

Last weekend The Audiophile and I were enjoying an evening stroll in our quaint, historic downtown. He was wearing a t-shirt that has AUDIOPHILE written across the front. I bought the shirt for him to use as bait to attract audio friends in the area.

A guy with a baby on his hip looked him up and down and said, "What's your definition of an audiophile?"

That seemed like a challenge likely to deteriorate into a street fight, so I focused on smiling at the baby so she would feel comfortable being held by me while the two men circled each other in the parking lot until one of them landed a twisting moonsault and was declared the winner.

Instead we learned the baby's daddy was "in the business," and all that went down was a simple exchange of contact information with a promise to stay in touch. Not nearly as exciting as the twisting moonsault, but apparently the magical bait shirt works.


Friday, May 4, 2018

Crash Into Me

You may have noticed some speaker companies include a small hermetically-sealed diaper to use when touching their products so grubby human hands don't mar the finely-crafted mirror finishes. At first, this seemed like a great idea. I may have even cooed a little when I saw the diaper lovingly tucked alongside the instruction manual.

That all changed when The Audiophile asked me to help him install the spikey things that screw into the bottom of the speakers. I, of course, was tasked with using the tiny diaper to carefully lean the speaker sideways while he scrutinized the situation with the undercarriage.

While physics wasn't my best subject back in the day, I can tell you that leaning a fifty-pound object at a 45-degree angle while holding it with a slippery little piece of cotton is exactly what Albert Einstein had in mind when he conjured up that bit about gravity and its effects.

Fortunately, nothing went wrong, or you would have heard our collective screams no matter what zip code you call your own. I would, however, like to encourage speaker manufacturers to swap out the diapers for something that would make the handling of fine musical furniture less of a dalliance with the scientific laws of nature.


Friday, April 27, 2018

Baby What a Big Surprise

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote that nonchalant bit about having a girl crush on the Dali Epicons? It seems The Audiophile read that post and had a pair rambling down I-40 on the back of a box truck faster than you could say, "Roger that."

Understand, this is NOT a birth announcement because these babies have to pass a test. Strike that, they have to pass an infinite and ongoing number of tests before they get to live with us permanently. And by permanently, I don't mean forever, I mean right up until another box truck pulls up and takes them away over my 110 dB crying jag that will probably make the truck driver mildly uncomfortable.

In the meantime, I'm playing it cool and wondering what would happen if I blogged (again) about wanting a small acoustically-behaved puppy.


Friday, April 20, 2018

Stand by Your Man

The Audiophile had a slow week so I took to the forums to see what I could learn from other audiophiles even though this, along with sucking nicotine into your lungs, is not particularly recommended by the surgeon general.

This week's winner is the following: 

It seems to be audiophiles are not only predominantly men, but middle-aged or older men, most of whom seem more opinionated than most, grumpier and more argumentative than most, and more inclined to show off.

I have no idea if that statement is true, but if opposites attract, that implies audiophile wives are predominantly younger, not terribly opinionated, happier and less argumentative than most, and not very inclined to show off.

Yep, I'd say that pretty well sums it up.


Friday, April 13, 2018

It's a Miracle

In not-so-surprising news, The Audiophile has recently been playing with a new way to eek one more milligrammometer of perfection from his system.

If you are able to move your gaze away from the Jupiter copper foil capacitor, what you will see is the application of a very expensive clear substance. I do not know what this stuff is called or what it is supposed to do.

Could I ask The Audiophile? Yes, I could. He is within spitting distance, at least I think I could spit and hit from where I'm sitting, but the problem with asking him for clarification is he would provide clarification and a lot of it.

This acoustic spit, as it will now be called, has been applied to everything in The Audiophile's inventory. He has declared it to be a "walk-on-water miracle," and he has shouted all the positive adjectives you can imagine into his cellular telephone in an attempt to share the good news.

Let us now take a moment, bow our heads, and pray that Jesus is an audiophile so he won't be terribly offended by The Audiophile spreading the gospel of acoustic spit to all the nations.