Friday, February 16, 2018

Dylan and Dylan

Remember Barney and Fred, the subjects of the last post?

Well, two guys named Bob, drove here from hundreds of miles away to listen to them. First, I don’t think Bob was really their names. I think when they were walking up to our house one of them whispered, “Let’s use code names,” but they only had time to think up one name before The Audiophile ushered them in.

Anyway, the “Bobs” listened to Barney and Fred, loaded them up, and took them far away where someone named Bobbette undoubtedly had the pleasure of listening to a lengthy discussion about the “acoustically superior proprietary polygon-oriented, triple-ring radiator high frequency array.”

Perhaps she too found it fascinating that while she knew what each word in the aforementioned sentence meant when used alone, if she’s like me, she had absolutely no idea what the words meant when they were put side-by-side in a magnificently ridiculous overly-descriptive, verbose-laden string of utter nonsense.


Friday, February 9, 2018

Have a Yabba Dabba Doo Time

What you see here is The Audiophile. Look closely. I know I did.

To the untrained eye, it would appear Barney and Fred slipped out of the house one night for some alone time with their womenfolk, and the next thing you know, Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm were born. Alas, that is not what happened.

Barney and Fred lived with us for several months. They were so named because they were as unattractive to me as their animated body doubles. For the record, I am not physically attracted to cartoon characters, but if I were I’d like to think I could do better.

Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm came to us from another audiophile who didn’t want to risk his eyebrows tearing them apart, rifling around with their intestines, and putting them back together again. Fortunately, nothing makes The Audiophile happier than risking every last hair on his head in the pursuit of Grand Poobah fidelity.

To his credit, all the characters shown in the photo sounded beautifully three dimensional when he was finished playing OPERATION with them, and that meant they were listed for sale faster than you could say WILMAAAA.


Friday, February 2, 2018

Back in the Saddle

Father, forgive me, it has been four and a half years since my last confession, I mean blog post.

You know how you sometimes see elderly people working the cash register at the market, and you ask yourself, “Do they need the money? Was retirement boring? Where did they get those sensible shoes and matching support stockings?”

While I don’t have the answer to any of those questions, I can tell you this: I have come out of retirement because The Audiophile cannot, for the eternal well-being of his soul (and mine), stop being unnaturally obsessed with this hobby. I thought about giving him a gift certificate for psychological therapy to celebrate the birth of Jesus, but he probably would have pawned it for a pair of boutique film caps manufactured across the pond.

Seriously, I’ve come out of retirement because The Audiophile has given me permission to use him as my muse once again until I can find a lucrative hobby of my own.


Friday, August 16, 2013

Swan Song

Once upon a time, two years ago, at the crack of dawn, I helped The Audiophile hoist something insanely heavy out of The Listening Room. To be honest, I wasn't amused that morning, but I decided I could either be lemony about his hobby or I could write a blog and peddle it as lemonade.

One hundred posts later, I've been both sweet and sour. Audiophilia has tested my emotions and probably always will. I love it when The Audiophile spends an entire weekend coaxing perfection out of a collection of components, and I hate it when I'm jealous about the degree to which this hobby consumes him sometimes.

In the last two years, I've learned a great deal from the forum comments about this blog. Some audiophiles think I'm hilarious and want to marry me; some think I'm a disrespectful waste of their time; and some think I'm actually an audiophile -- and a male one at that.

As I bring this adventure to a close, I'd simply like to clarify that although I'm not a humorist, I do crack myself up. Although I have the capacity to be disrespectful, it is only by the Grace of God that I am not. And although I'm not a man, it would appear that I am indeed... becoming an audiophile.

And that, my friends, (who have enjoyed this tagline) is audio winning.

Friday, August 9, 2013

One Trick Pony

After writing last week about my substandard test song, I decided I should pick a new one. Since I am not a member of The Audiophile Test Song Coalition, I spied on them through the World Wide Web.

This resulted in a peculiar list of songs that real people would never listen to. Next, I cross-referenced these songs with The Audiophile's personal collection to see if he was a real person. Let's just say there were enough of these titles in his library to confirm he is a figment of my imagination.

In the end, and at the risk of becoming imaginary myself, I selected one of these songs as my very own. It's the kind of song I can play over and over and not get tired of. Plus, it makes me feel kind of coltish, and that always improves the acoustics and my general willingness to participate in the A/B/C/D/E/F/G test.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Alphabet Song

During the month of July, The Audiophile officiated more A/B tests than usual. There were two reasons this proved challenging for me:

First, my test song does not conform to The Standards as defined by The Audiophile Test Song Coalition. When I chose this song years ago, I didn't know there were standards. I just thought you picked a song, listened to it, and said some esoteric things about the sound.

Second, I was under the assumption that an A/B test involved an A and then a B. So when he threw in five additional configurations and made it an A/B/C/D/E/F/G test, my head nearly exploded because I don't have a PhD in anything.

Still, I believe I was able to put forth some seemingly intelligent comments about what I was hearing. And really, when you think about it, this is extraordinary given all the ambient background noise that was galloping around the room as a result of my poorly recorded test song.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, July 26, 2013

I've Got The Power

The Audiophile was on the phone recently discussing something about something. Out of habit, once I determined it was an audio conversation, I began to tune out.

Tune out, that is, until I heard him shout, "That guy has a HUGE power supply."

Now, I'm not an expert or a pervert, but I'm pretty sure you want to limit that sort of enthusiastic observation to the confines of your private mental library of opinions. Huge or dainty, the size of a guy's power supply is between him and his amplifier, and I think he'd appreciate a little discretion from the viewers at home.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I'm Still Standing

Even though I like to count things, it isn't often that I comment on the cost of audiophilia because I view it as somewhat less expensive than the four-season porch I'll be petitioning for in a few years.

That said, I recently saw a transaction go through our account for a pair of speaker stands. Just to clarify, the stands are the things that the speakers sit on. To the laywoman, they are akin to a potholder.

The good news for me was this transaction was a credit to our account meaning The Audiophile had sold these stands to someone else. Hopefully this someone else is married to an understanding wife because once she compares these stands to her tattered oven mitts, things could get a little dicey in the kitchen.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, July 12, 2013

Song For Ten

The Audiophile was in his workshop this week building a better sounding mousetrap. This was another of those projects in which I was explicitly instructed not to touch anything because I would immediately die from the current or volts or whatever is was that would rocket my burning flesh straight through the pearly gates earlier than God might have planned.

Since I was not going anywhere near the project of doom, that left me plenty of time to do some counting. It is a well-established fact that I like to count things like stairs, money, and flowers on the wall. If the Pilates instructor says we are doing 30 jump squats, you can bet I'm counting them and sorely disappointed to learn her idea of 30 is a lot closer to 50 according to my math and screaming quads.

Which brings me to my point: Yesterday, according to the arithmomaniacs at Google Analytics, this ridiculous blog you've elected to read reached 100,000 all-time views. And the only thing I have to say about that is...

And that, my friends, is audio winning.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Born In The USA

Yesterday was the annual celebration of the United States' independence from some country that we don't really remember anymore because we've spent the last 237 years concentrating on the appearance of our teeth and gums. However, for one day every year, we set aside all our brushing and flossing to blow some stuff up.

Since The Audiophile has been working on a project that could potentially explode his pearly whites and everything attached to them, I asked him what I should do if the amplifier under construction takes his life prematurely. Heaven forbid.

His first concern was our children, house, and vehicles, and his instructions regarding them spanned perhaps forty-five seconds. His only other concern involved the disposition of his gear, and although I did not have a stopwatch running, it's safe to say the instructions were lengthy, detailed, and included impressive consideration for his electronic issue.

And that, my friends, is audio winning.