Big Wheels

When The Audiophile isn't philing the audio, he philes the road bike. Is this a hobby we share? No. My bike has a basket on the handlebars and a bell that I'm not afraid to use.

Last week he floated the notion that some cyclists shave their legs. I didn't hear why this is, because my mind immediately began to imagine him in a nice bubbly bath poised for action with his Gillette Mach 3, and I missed the rationale.

This got me to thinking about whether shavings one's legs would make a difference in the acoustics of the room. After a quick perusal of the www, I found nothing on the subject except an article clarifying cyclists shave their legs for a variety of pathetic reasons including that it makes them "feel faster."

In summary, cyclists are apparently of the same wingding caliber as audiophiles, and I would like to encourage all audiophiles to shave their legs so they can take to the forums and debate whether it makes their reference track of choice "sound better."

TAW

Mercy Mercy Me

The Audiophile was recently left alone without proper supervision while I ran a couple of errands. When I returned, just 90 minutes later, this is what I found.

I think I speak for all the DIY wives out there, when I ask the following single-syllable question:

Why?

Furthermore, and I hate to be a stickler here, but there is no way The Audiophile could have used the tiny cotton Dollie diaper to single-handedly hoist the speaker off the spikey things, flip it upside down, and rip it apart.

Did he strip down to his cotton undershirt and underpants and don a pair of oven mitts so as not to scuff the lacquer? I do not know. He was fully clothed when I walked through the door, and the oven mitts were nowhere to be seen, but an alibi that does not make.

I'm a little vague about what The Audiophile's objective is with this Six-Million-Dollar-Man project, but if next week's post is titled "Fifty Ways to Leave Your Lover," you'll know something went south, and you can probably pick up a pair of scratch-and-dent Epicons at a greatly reduced price on Audiothong.

TAW

Kung Fu Fighting

Last weekend The Audiophile and I were enjoying an evening stroll in our quaint, historic downtown. He was wearing a t-shirt that has AUDIOPHILE written across the front. I bought the shirt for him to use as bait to attract audio friends in the area.

A guy with a baby on his hip looked him up and down and said, "What's your definition of an audiophile?"

That seemed like a challenge likely to deteriorate into a street fight, so I focused on smiling at the baby so she would feel comfortable being held by me while the two men circled each other in the parking lot until one of them landed a twisting moonsault and was declared the winner.

Instead we learned the baby's daddy was "in the business," and all that went down was a simple exchange of contact information with a promise to stay in touch. Not nearly as exciting as the twisting moonsault, but apparently the magical bait shirt works.

TAW

Crash Into Me

You may have noticed some speaker companies include a small hermetically-sealed diaper to use when touching their products so grubby human hands don't mar the finely-crafted mirror finishes. At first, this seemed like a great idea. I may have even cooed a little when I saw the diaper lovingly tucked alongside the instruction manual.

That all changed when The Audiophile asked me to help him install the spikey things that screw into the bottom of the speakers. I, of course, was tasked with using the tiny diaper to carefully lean the speaker sideways while he scrutinized the situation with the undercarriage.

While physics wasn't my best subject back in the day, I can tell you that leaning a fifty-pound object at a 45-degree angle while holding it with a slippery little piece of cotton is exactly what Albert Einstein had in mind when he conjured up that bit about gravity and its effects.

Fortunately, nothing went wrong, or you would have heard our collective screams no matter what zip code you call your own. I would, however, like to encourage speaker manufacturers to swap out the diapers for something that would make the handling of fine musical furniture less of a dalliance with the scientific laws of nature.

TAW

Baby What a Big Surprise

Remember a few weeks ago when I wrote that nonchalant bit about having a girl crush on the Dali Epicons? It seems The Audiophile read that post and had a pair rambling down I-40 on the back of a box truck faster than you could say, "Roger that."

Understand, this is NOT a birth announcement because these babies have to pass a test. Strike that, they have to pass an infinite and ongoing number of tests before they get to live with us permanently. And by permanently, I don't mean forever, I mean right up until another box truck pulls up and takes them away over my 110 dB crying jag that will probably make the truck driver mildly uncomfortable.

In the meantime, I'm playing it cool and wondering what would happen if I blogged (again) about wanting a small acoustically-behaved puppy.

TAW

Stand by Your Man

The Audiophile had a slow week so I took to the forums to see what I could learn from other audiophiles even though this, along with sucking nicotine into your lungs, is not particularly recommended by the surgeon general.

This week's winner is the following: 

It seems to be audiophiles are not only predominantly men, but middle-aged or older men, most of whom seem more opinionated than most, grumpier and more argumentative than most, and more inclined to show off.

I have no idea if that statement is true, but if opposites attract, that implies audiophile wives are predominantly younger, not terribly opinionated, happier and less argumentative than most, and not very inclined to show off.

Yep, I'd say that pretty well sums it up.

TAW

It's a Miracle

In not-so-surprising news, The Audiophile has recently been playing with a new way to eek one more milligrammometer of perfection from his system.

If you are able to move your gaze away from the Jupiter copper foil capacitor, what you will see is the application of a very expensive clear substance. I do not know what this stuff is called or what it is supposed to do.

Could I ask The Audiophile? Yes, I could. He is within spitting distance, at least I think I could spit and hit from where I'm sitting, but the problem with asking him for clarification is he would provide clarification and a lot of it.

This acoustic spit, as it will now be called, has been applied to everything in The Audiophile's inventory. He has declared it to be a "walk-on-water miracle," and he has shouted all the positive adjectives you can imagine into his cellular telephone in an attempt to share the good news.

Let us now take a moment, bow our heads, and pray that Jesus is an audiophile so he won't be terribly offended by The Audiophile spreading the gospel of acoustic spit to all the nations.

TAW

Sitting on Top of the World

What you see here is a real picture of a real situation in my real house.

I'm not sure where to begin with my droll comments about the circumstances that led to this being the latest necessity in our decor, but I will, of course, give it a try.

One day I turned to The Audiophile and said, "Honey, I wouldn't mind having a me-sized chair in The Listening Room."

Understand, in our new down-sized life, The Listening Room is actually called The Living Room by normal people even though it causes The Audiophile to wince a little and gnash his teeth. This room had sufficient papa-bear furniture, and I was simply asking for one quiet mama-bear chair.

Now, as you all know, if you give a mama bear a chair she's going to want a new coffee table, and if you give her a new coffee table she is going to want a new rug to go under it. This domino effect will continue until something positively MUST be done about the horsed-up acoustics in The Listening Room.

I don't know what the problem was with the acoustics or their horse, but this is The Audiophile's happily-ever-after solution, and I'm pleased to report it has restored harmony to his Goldilocks zone.

TAW

Rocky Top

A couple of years ago The Audiophile decided it would be in his best interest to take an early retirement so he could devote sufficient time to the micromanagement of his sound triangle.

The exciting part of this life change for me was our decision to leave the Land of 10,000 Perpetually Frozen Lakes to relocate to, and I'm not kidding here...

Music City.

Luckily for me there isn't a Perfect Sound Triangle City, or I'd be living there instead, and it would probably be in an underwater cave or on a planet with acoustically superior oxygen molecules.

To say we are happy here is as much of an understatement as saying Dali Epicons are aesthetically adequate. Not that I have personal experience with the Epicons, but I may occasionally entertain a little fantasy about a pair of boxes arriving from Denmark with my name on them. Dali, if you're reading this, PM me for the coordinates of my sound triangle.

TAW

Rock a Bye Baby

Recently I overheard a fragment of a conversation The Audiophile was having with his stepson. His stepson, for those of you working through this biological conundrum, is also the only human being I've personally baked from the size of a bean to the size of an 8-pound bean.

As always, I wasn't paying a lot of attention until I heard The Audiophile say, "A tube amp is a great first project, but you've got to be careful because you're dealing with anywhere from 350 to 525 volts under the hood, and that will kill you dead very quickly."

Soooo, if I understand this correctly, what we have here is a situation where The Audiophile has somehow enticed my 180-pound bean to engage in a hobby that, on a really bad day, may very quickly turn one of them into a big pot of soup.

TAW